Japan...Who Knew?

In Japan, to have "Cow Oki" - A face disproportionately large compared to the rest of your body- is one of the biggest shames a Japaneese person can have.

This piece of information turned out to be very useful to me when sitting at the top of Tokyo's fanciest hotel in what may be the most surreal experience of my life, drinking sake with my hero, Theo Epstein.

It would also bode well for my experience in Japan in general. I like to think that I have nicely proportional face.


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Tokyo Part I:

I took out $30,000 yen ($300) from the ATM and immediately felt like Floyd Mayweather placing a $34,000 bet on the Nuggets because he was boys with Carmelo Anthony

Everyone was short, no one spoke english, I felt like I was in the Matrix only I was the lady in red.

St Patty's day in Tokyo turned out to be one of the most fun days of my life. This was the reason we were all here. Padraig (pronounced Paw-rek) was an old friend of mine from when I studied abroad in Dublin who was living in Japan, teaching english in a small orange village, about 3 hours outside of Tokyo. He brought out Shane Russell, another friend of mine from Dublin, Shane's girlfriend Jane, Jamie O'Keefe and John Kennedy, two guys I hadn't known before, to come ring in the festivities. These boys certainly did not go to Temple Emanuel.


I had no idea what to expect. Padraig said there would be a huge parade. My initial thought was "huh?, St. Patty's day in Japan?"

Yet again I was pleasantly surprised. We got off the train to New Year's eve in Time Square. Total Madness. There were white faces here and there but the area was 98% Japanese. No idea.

We went to the corner store picked up a bunch of beer and walked over to the parade. Your allowed to drink anywhere in Japan, apparently you can piss anywhere too. Both good pieces of info to know.

We looked on as we saw 150 groups- dance groups, bands, schools etc- march in a parade that stretched about 6 city blocks long. Then we did what any drunk foreigners would do.

We jumped right in.

Behind a group of green dressed Japaneese recorder players and in front of a Japeneese dance troop marched Me, Padraig and the rest of the crew. We smiled and waved at people in the crowd. Japaneese school girls thought we were famous, Americans appreciated our moxie as we all cried from laughing so hard.

Ferris Buehler's day off had begun.

After an hour long march in the parade and pictures with many of our new Japaneese fans, we stumbled off for a nice afternoon bar crawl.

All of a sudden it was 10pm, we were all drunk, happy and looking to do the one thing people do in Japan...

KARAOKE.

We journeyed to Ropungi, a big night life area in Japan looking for a spot to sing our little hearts. We were ushered by street hustler into one of the most interesting places you could imagine:

An all you can eat-drink-karaoke Brothel.

I shit you not.

We didn't stay. The place was seedy (makes sense) and we were with a bunch of girls. But I sure am glad we made the stop.

We ended up in a proper karaoke bar, $30 all you can drink. It turned out to be one of the most fun nights in a long time. It was just one of those times. So cheesy, happy, everyone telling each other how much they love each other. Hugs, smiles, singalongs. It was like the last night of summer camp.

Youre never more honest than when you're uncool. And when I sing karaoke, I am not cool.

Every once in a while I would take a second away from the madness and soak in what I was experiencing. I looked around the room and smiled, once again like Andy Dufrane as he watched his fellow inmates drink a couple of suds on the newly tarred roof in Shawshank Redemption.

Then I would start to think of certain people that I really wish were there to experience this moment with me. Chances are if you received this email you mean something to me, so maybe just maybe it was you I was thinking about.



Makaabi:

The next stop on the trip was Makaabi, Padraig's orange village.

Holy shit this was different than Tokyo. In Tokyo you can never move. There are more people than anywhere else I have ever been times about a 100. You get dizzy from claustrophobia walking in the subway station.

In Makaabi, there is nothing.

It was Japan's version of the town from My Cousin Vinny. A Sak o'Suds, some bushes with leaves.

A few thousand Japaneese people and one 6'5 irishman named Padraig. He was a local celebrity.

There was a certain peacefullness to the town. One bench, overlooking this creek, where I read a book, Fall River Dreams (Two Enthusiastic Thumbs up). And that was about it. It should give you a sense of what there was to do in Makaabi, considering that I was reading.

But it was cool to see.

The second night we went to Padraig's school where he was going to give a presentation on Ireland. The night could not have been stranger.

When we arrived at the school I was told to take my shoes off. Didnt they know that I was the kid they once called Johnny Brasco, and that I didn't take my shoes off for nobody. That is, except for the Japaneese school system.

We went up to a classroom took our seats along with 10 Japaneese women, the tallest was 5'0, ranging in age from 18-60. Padraig marched into the room dressed in a leprechaun outfit and taught the classic about basic Irish tradition. The translator translated Padraig's wacky tales and we all just looked on in disbelief.

At one point the translator quizzed the audience on what color was best associated with Ireland: Red, orange, green or blue.

After stumbling on the question for about 5 minutes, 8 out of 10 students got the question wrong. It was truly adorable.

Afterwards was where it got fun.

It was time for the westerners to teach the Japaneese about our culture and vice versa.

First, we taught them how to shake hands. Only they couldn't do it without bowing after. Again, adorable.

Second, we taught them how to say, "hello, nice to meet you."

Finally, "good night."

With every exercise the Japaneese women got more and more excited. At best, one lady spoke minimal english, while most didn't speak a word.

They gave us standing ovations when we left as though they just received a lesson on peace from Mother Teresa.

Very weird night.


Hiroshima:

My first thought when I arrived in Hiroshima was, "man, we blew this whole fucker away."

Hiroshima was pretty big.

It was also by far and away the most American friendly place we travelled to. More people knew english than anywhere else and we were greeted with a warmer welcome than anywhere else.

The clerk at the hotel offered us an "American discount" and gave us free pay tv.

We went to the A-Bomb dome/memorial, the place where the atomic bomb went off. It was a pretty powerful experience just knowing the shit went down there some 60 years before.

Everything about the area stressed peace: a world of harmony free of atomic weapons. It was also interesting, the tone of the memorial, very apologetic.

At the war memorial in Tokyo it was "America who crushed the great empire of Japan." I remember feeling weird being at a memorial when it was my people that, in fact, did the memorial-inducing.

But in Hiroshima, the war was Japan's fault. It was almost a "We are really sorry, lets move on and never think about this again" type thing.

Pretty bizarre.

We went to a sushi restaurant where I am almost positive that we served by Jason Shim, the kid who left Collegiate after 7th grade and always would say "fuck you bitch" to teachers. Only our chef always smiling and reminded me a ton of the really cute fat black kid from Hook who Robin Williams gives his sword to at the end of the movie.

At the end of the meal I asked for the "ocha," the check, or so I thought.

I had always asked for the ocha at the end of meals. I later found out that I was asking for tea every time. I just thought that they brought you tea a nice little way to end your meal. Oh well.


Osaka/Kyoto:

The Jimmy Eat World concert in Osaka was hands down the best concert I have ever been to. Hands down. One of the funniest times of my life.

We towered over an arena of 2,000 little Japaneese people, our shirts off, dancing our little hearts out. The room was filled with Japaneese hipsters (really funny) going nuts for a band that didnt speak their language.

And they went beyond nuts for us. We were the beatles or Keanu Reeves.

We high fived the crowd like we were the rockstars and they giggled like school girls. There were two 4'2 hipsters in front of us who looked like they were 12 but were really in their early 30's.

They knew about 5 words in english. One of them was "cool."

I taught them that in America, when something was "cool" you showed that by doing the Randy Moss touchdown celebration: "Break it up."

Within minutes I had dozens of Japaneese people "breaking it up."

We put Japaneese girls on our shoulders, took endless pictures and had a blast.

Jimmy ended up dedicating the last song of the concert to the Americans with their shirts off. PAdraig was not happy being labelled an American, but it was all good.

We had become fixtures in the Japaneese emo scene.

After the concert ended we took tons of pictures with our Japaneese fans.

I have one of me sitting in the middle of a circle of 8 japaneese school girls, all of us "breaking it up."

And the night only got weirder.

After some good times at a shady Japaneese after hours spot, me, Shane and Jane stumbled around Osaka looking for food.

We ended up in what looked like a typical Japaneese noodle bar. But this was so much more.

We looked at the menu and everything seemed shockingly pricey. But we were hungry and did not care. It turned out that we were eating some Japaneese delicacy. But thats not important.

Somehow someway, I found myself arm-wrestling a 50 year old Japaneese man. He was in a group of three men, the other two older, and the whole group drunk.

The man was strong, but I had him. I didn't want to beat him so we just struggled for a minute or so before we decided the match was a draw.

Then, the 70 year old man came in for a turn. I was AC Slater at the carnival. He was weak and again I fake struggled.

Next thing I knew, the men had thrown a $10,000 yen note at me. I didn't know what to do. I tried to offer it back but they wouldnt have it. Some of the other people in the bar seemed to think that these were Japaneese mobsters. I really didn't know what to do.

I bought them drinks hoping I was doing the right thing. I was later comforted by three Americans, one a pro basketball player in Japan and another, a 30-something from Duxbury, Mass, home of UPenn great Lucy Bezdek.

I eventually left the bar, praying I didnt wake up with a Samurai sword in my back. Everything turned out to be ok.

I did some sight-seeing.

Went by the Sumo arena where I took a bunch of pictures with Sumo wrestlers.

Went to a famous golden temple in Kyoto. I didnt spend enough time in Kyoto, which was unfortunate. But I'll be back. I figure some time after my nuptuals to Grace Matsui, I should be spending a lot of time in Japan.

Tokyo Part II:

By now, Mike and I had bid the Irishmen goodbye. It was an incredible run. And I was exhausted. I couldnt keep up with these kids. They drank every night till 6am, slept for 3 hours and then did it again. They did this for like ten days straight.

I needed a breather.

We headed over the Tokyo Dome Hotel to check out the area and potentially meet one of my baseball front office heros. No luck.

The next day we went to Disney Land. What a bug out.

We did what any American tourists would do. We picked up some Mickey ears and started taking pictures with random Japaneese people. We watched a parade with all our favorite Disney greats. I got particularly excited when I saw Donald Duck going crazy. I insisted we go on "Its a Small World" and the Race cars.

As a three year old I thought the Racecars were the coolest thing in the world. At 8, I was disappointed when I realized you couldnt actually steer the cars and at 25 it didnt matter.

I was a 3 year old again.

Seeing thousands of little Japaneese kids at Disney Land was about as weird as it gets. The day was cold and we were ready to head home.

That night turned out to be the most surreal night of my life. I know I speak in superlatives more than anyone in the world (blogger humor), but this one really takes the cake.


The Bar:

Mike and I were deciding on dinner. We were both exhauested and just ready for the trip to end. We had discussed going to the Park Hyatt hotel- the hotel from Lost in Translation, a tourist attraction- for a drink.

We were deciding between there and a japaneese beef place for dinner. We were leaning towards the japaneese beef place, knowing the hotel would be on the pricey side, but when we couldnt find it, the hotel it was.

We got up to the 45th floor (something like that) to what was one of the most amazing views I had ever seen. The woman took our coats and spoke very good english, a sign of a fancy place in Japan.

She told us that there were no non-smoking tables available and that the only options were the counter or a smoking section. I looked at Mike and we went for the counter. It turned out to be a very good decision.

We were escorted to the counter, a table looking right into the cooking area where there were three men sitting. One was Theo Epstein. Inside I froze while I kept on walking.

Theo Epstein is my all time hero. He became general manager of the Red Sox at the age of 28 and has since carved an amazing career in the game.

Its the type of thing where if you were to ask me which three people I could have at a dinner table, he would definitely be on the list. And now here he was... at my dinner table.

We sat down and I looked at Mike...What the fuck do I do???

I quickly guzzled a whiskey and two guinesses needing to loosen up from what may have been the most tense I had ever been.

Our food arrived at the same time as Theo's table, which is when I signalled to the waiter. I asked him to send over a bottle of wine to the table next to us, the same one they were drinking.

He did not understand.

He brought us a bottle of wine.

I said, "no, Im sorry." can you bring the table next to me the bottle. I didnt want to point, but he still did not get it. He then pointed at them, and I quickly signalled yes.

He brought the bottle over to Theo's table.

And there it went. We had about a ten minute exchange, introducing ourselves. About 15 minutes later they sent us glasses to help them with the bottle. Finally, one more conversation with Theo's two buddies and the meal was over.

Theo insisted on paying for the bottle of wine we sent them. All class.

He then invited us to have drinks with them in the main bar.

Unreal. There we sat, Me, Mike, Theo Epstein, Jed Hoyer - The asst gm, and Brian O'Halloran- another front office guy.

We drank sake for a couple of hours, talked about anything and everything had a blast.

Theo really enjoyed when I told him about Cow Oki, the disproportiantely large head, and how we planned on heckling Hidecki Matsui regarding his giant head.

There is too much here to go into too many details with all this, but this was one of the best nights of my life. Sitting down with my hero at a hotel bar in Tokyo. This was the definition of surreal, the type of thing you always envision and never imagine happening.

It kind of made me believe in fate.


And so it was.

The next night we hit up the Tokyo Dome for the Sox v A's game, had one more night on the town with some crazy canadien dudes we met at the game.

And our journey came to an end.


Japan was unreal, unlike any place I had ever been.

Like a christian person going to Penn, I felt like I was in a totally different universe.

I was in a world where no one spoke my language, where people were machines, and where people put up peace signs over their faces when they took pictures in an attempt to make their face little small.

A world when someone throws commit suicide by throwing themselves in front of a train, that the family is sent a cleaning bill.

Now I am back in America. We have really good bar food here.


.........


Two months and change felt like two lifetimes.

Im back in SF for the twins bday. I havent shaved in three weeks and have been told that I look like a terrorist. I just grabbed lunch with Nick the Voice. I had lunch with him the meal before I left. It was fitting.

I'm happy to be back but sad that its all done.

Anyways.

Good things.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Vaya,
Jon